A Lonely Summer

If I used to close my eyes
I would still hear
muffled voices.

If I used to sleep at night
I would still see
faces.

If I used to shout out loud
I would still hear
echoes.

But the echo has grown so faint.
These ears strain to hear again.
These eyes see only nothingness.
This place is as a ghost.

If I used to be alone
I would still insist on it.

If I used to laugh or cry
I would still be
comforted.

If I used to stare
out the window
I'd take in the silence.

But no, things have changed.
My sight is all faded.
Color comes with you
and you've been gone so long.

Portola Springs

March 13th, 2009.




Is there still wilderness in this county?


I had dreams once
of a place to the west
It was bleak
and beautiful.

But it's all been paved over
It's all black but there's no night
I've driven to the corners
But I can't find the end of it.

Maybe it was once
like I saw in my mind.
But people came
and years passed.

It traps me
Though I may run
I know it will find me
No one can hide.

I just want to feel young again
To see something new.
But places are being cloned
and I've seen it before.

I long to be happy when old
to be in peace.
But I fear by then,
silence is obsolete.

The Neighborhood

Life has been interesting these days. Best summarized as follows.

Six weeks ago:

Employed: Yes

Reliable Transportation: Yes

Miles driven per week: 330

Free time: Not so much

The past two weeks:

Employed: 5 hours/week

Reliable Transportation: No

Miles driven per week: See previous answer

Free time: 24/7

I know better, after knowing Jesus for 10 years now, than to call it coincidence and strip it of meaning and purpose. I know better than to panic and become desperate. This is to focus me and hone my purpose.

Remember just a few entries ago when I wrote about moving across the country? Welcome to my innermost thoughts. I thought I was long gone back to Pittsburgh, PA, the home of my family. I was already looking for jobs and apartments out there.

Well God has a funny way of speaking to us and working in our lives. You'd think that once I was laid off at work, that it would seem like a sign that I'm free to go, right?

Au contrare, mon frere. Since that day, it's been more clear than in quite some time past that I am exactly where He wants me. Just like in all those stories I heard in church and at Bible school, God is using this uncertain time to prove that He is our biggest certainty. I've seen enough money come my way to take care of all my bills, with just enough to spare. I've had time to slow down from the busy Southern California way of life and replace it with rest.

I've been able to do things I had always thought about doing, but fell by the wayside. I've been recording music. I finished reading a novel last night. I've been sleeping in. I've been taking pictures.

I found some beautiful horse trails right here in the neighborhood I live. I got to take a late afternoon walk and just explore and be free of any commitments or deadlines to meet. It has given me a new appreciation and comfort with the area I live in. The camera came along, of course. It was restful, and here is a sampling of shots that I got. It almost felt like fall, even in this mild west coast weather!

From Saturday's Mountain Drive: A Prayer

I am filled with your good pleasures:
Sun behind Jacinto,
skies over Gorgonio,
shadow painting on desert rocks,
endless peaks watching over cities,
a chill from altitude.

I see now
that you are in the barren as well as the flourishing.
Not a corner can I look without seeing you there.

Let me use my eyes and ears
my hands and feet
my fingers and toes
my flesh and bone
my strength and sweat
my soul and mind
my words and deeds
my love and longing,
to make you all the more visible.

Turn It Off

This picture was taken at Hume Lake camp in 2008. It represents a time of change, refocusing and renewal. It definitely was also a time for all of us (students and leaders alike) to "turn off" all the distractions and busyness of life and take a rest. This was during worship time. For me it represents the spirit of the poem below.

When you just want the phone to ring
put it down
turn it off
open the Bible and start to read.

When you just want someone to answer
put it down
turn it off
close your eyes and take a knee.

When all you want is that one person
ask yourself:
"Would this person die for me?
Or would they do even less for me?"

Reconsider the pursuits of your heart.
Redirect the objects of your affection.
Invest in what is eternal.
Seek the face of Jesus.

The Golden Hour

In photography circles, the "Golden Hour" is the name for the time just after sunrise and just before sunset where the sun is low on the horizon and casts a golden light on everything. This is unofficially regarded as the best time to take photos.

I could go on, but as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

An Authentic Question

One day, soon after moving to Orange County, I thought about the state of my life and these exact words came to me as I drove past this spot. 

9-20-07

Doesn't your life change completely
when you move across the country?
Or at least move place to place
with hundreds of miles between?

No, I've found that life only stays the same
as long as you stay the same.
You always reap what you sow
you always receive what you give
and in life, you always get out of it
what you put into it.